I didn’t watch Trump’s State of the Union speech last night. I had more pressing things to do, like play video games. But here’s how I imagine it went, based on past experience (and a few hints I’ve picked up so far this morning on Twitter):

“My fellow Americans, the state of the Union is strong, because you had the wisdom and foresight to vote for me. Together, we – my supporters and I – are making the greatest nation of the world even greater. Again.

“And if my party just had a little more power, we could make America even greater. Er.

“But there are problems! Yes, problems and troubles facing this great nation! Things we have yet to solve with politics, but could solve, if only we had more power!

“Here are some human props illustrating how great America is, how great I am, how great those problems are, and how much I need even more power to make America even greater!

“Thank you for everything, America.”

And then the opposition party issued a rebuttal by some 2020 presidential hopeful. (Did they really go with another fucking Kennedy?)

“The state of the Union is shaky, because you didn’t have the wisdom and foresight to vote for us. Come on, America, you’re supposed to be better than that.

“Here are all the things the incumbent hasn’t done with his power. Things that remain undone. Things that he thinks should remain undone, because we disagree about what political power should be used for he’s just wrong. Wrongheaded and wrong.

“And that’s why we should have power instead. Put us in Congress later this year, and put us in the White House next time around. Give us all the power, and then we’ll make America the greatest nation in the world, which it was until it didn’t elect our candidate.”

I might go looking for the recorded speeches today or tomorrow, to see how close my guess was.